I know, long time no post. I did mention back in August (I think) that I wouldn’t be posting
as often because of school and such. Life is still as crazy and busy as ever. However, I thought I would take a moment to let everyone know what I am working on. It is for school but I think it will have added benefits by the time I am done.
I didn’t come to that conclusion by myself, mind you. It took a comment from one of my classmates to make me see the potential. Thanks again Emily.
“…You could add links to your possible ideas and rough drafts so others can get an idea of your writing style and interests!” I read this will drinking coffee
and the thoughts exploded in my brain like Christmas lights coming to life. I’ve had some complaints here and there that I don’t write enough about my writing. There are several reasons for that.
One is because I often use this blog to empty my brain of all the other things that get in the way when I try to write. It is my freedom space. All of those thoughts or ideas that have to go some place usually go here, with exceptions of course. This blog is me talking to myself in a crowded room. Yet, no one looks at me funny because if you are reading this you came here to see me talk to myself.
Now I have to create a new blog for school. I wasn’t really looking forward to it. I mean I have this one, amazon, twitter, a facebook page, and I have a web page. I don’t update those anywhere near often enough. Why would I want to add one more to the mix? Why would I want to do all of that work for just a grade?
Then Emily commented on my post in our discussion area, (I am going to MTSU online) and it was like the scene from Dead Poet’s Society when Robin Williams stands on his desk to gain a different point of view. My eyes were opened to the possibilities. I have needed a place to stash links to things I find online that I want to revisit. I am focusing on History and Literature at school, which is pretty much regular life for a grade and a bit more structured.
(I seriously should get my kids to guest post about how many museums and historical sites I drag them to and the documentaries we watch.)
So, coming soon: Back Stories: History in Fiction. It will be on blog spot because I like to spread myself around like that and it is something new to poke at. I will post a link here when I get it up and running.
I’ve been stressed. I woke up this morning knowing I have to go to work, I have to pay the electric bill, I have to get the kids up, feed them, and make them do their school work. I have to write the other four or five pages of an essay that is due by midnight and I have to learn enough about the Philippine War in order to write a paper about it as well. That one may also be due today. I honestly can’t remember. I am so far behind in my other two classes that I am afraid to look at the due dates.
So my life has been one massive “I have to”. I woke up this morning and realised I can’t remember the last time I read a book for enjoyment. For me, that is like waking up not remembering when I breathed last. Before school started I would read several books a week.
As I lay in bed watching the ceiling fan, I did a playback of this week. It has been extra crummy. I was late to work yesterday. Wednesday a customer got me mad enough that I walked around the grocery store for awhile before coming home. (I had to do grocery shopping anyway.) The list goes on, but this moment of introspection made me realise something. I haven’t had many moments of introspection lately either and that is something I need.
I need to decompress. I need a few moments of silence away from computers and textbooks. Watching a thirty-minute tv show or going to local county fair may be fun, but they aren’t what I am needing. I think I am taking time out doing those things but really I am just providing more for my over-stimulated brain to take in.
What I really need is a few moments with a cup of tea on the front porch watching the leaves change. I need a hot bath to soak in and to just be. I need a walk in the woods. I need to let my brain download and file away all the things that are daily crammed into it.
If I take that time everything else usually falls into place a lot easier.
When I was in school I hated American History. I thought it was boring. I thought that since other countries had been around so much longer, they were obviously much more interesting.
Now that I am older, I am no longer so excluding. For the past few weeks I’ve been focused on the American Civil War. My attention was peaked last year when I did some family history research. It was more recently that I received a book of local ghost stories that pinged that interest again.
Then I spoke with another writer who I greatly admire. I told him that I had been thinking about writing a book that takes place during the civil war. I recounted what I had found out about my family, and he said: That sounds like a good place to start. Why don’t you?
That “Why don’t you?” Has been echoing around the empty cavern of my skull for weeks.
I tried to use the excuse, “Well, life has so many changes going on right now, with the new job and going back to school…”
My inner writer answered with, “You don’t work on the weekends and part of your degree is going to be in History anyway.”
Then the dragon of self doubt raised its head and said, “Do you really think you can find the time to write a book? Look how well that has worked in the past. You have three unfinished novels sitting on your computer right now. And remember that rejection letter. The one that hit the mark so well.”
The dragon almost got me. Then I remembered the rejection letter it was reminding me of was the catalyst I needed to pull up my boots and march back to school. The three unfinished novels reminded me that my current way of writing isn’t working very well and I need to try something new. (Not that those three will never be finished. Two are honestly in a rewrite stage but I changed things and got stuck in the muddle in the middle. Then proceeded to wallow in the muck.)
So now, with so many things already on my plate and with so many new challenges to face, I find myself stacking yet another task on top. I’m going to write a book.
My brain feels like dirty, knotted, tangled string. Usually when I get out of work for the week I am eventually able to shake off work like pool water and focus on the part of my life that is the reason I work like I do. Even though I am free from my night job today and I slept last night, I feel depressed. I don’t know if it was the extra work day, the busy week, or the constant feeling that I carry most of my shift after all the day people leave.
My daughter is doing her teenaged angst thing again because she is having trouble at school with grades and other kids. I imagine she feels the same about school as I do work. I wish I could fix it all.
I wish I could write. I know as a writer, unless you are a giant name, it is a struggle to make a living. I know that if I do get all the books that I have in progress finished and out, and even if they do well, I would not be making more that I do now. I would still be balancing bills and paying late fees. However, I think that would be better.
I don’t know how to explain it. I would still be under pressure and stress. I would be working without a safety net. There would be no guarantee I would bring in money. However, being able to pay bills without my shoulders being partially dislocated from heavy stock and my upper back in constant pain from spending hours bent over hanging stickers has its appeal.
I know this isn’t very cheerful for a blog post. I didn’t really intend to write a post but this is where my fingers lead me when I decided to try to write out my current problems. I could have tucked it away in a writing folder or scribbled it out in my journal, but I thought maybe if I put it here I might get some feed back. Maybe someone might have an idea. At the very least if there is someone else out there feeling the same they will know they are not alone.
There will be a blog post here. Eventually. I actually already have it written but it’s on paper and in my messy handwriting. I just got home from work and the kids attacked with “Mom can you…”
I was tired before, now I have passed the tired line drawn in the dust and moved on to exhausted. My brain is too much like mush for me to compose something that makes sense. Or even to copy something already written. So I am going to bed. Maybe when I get up I will sit down and write a blog post.
If I don’t do it this afternoon, I will do it tomorrow. However, if for some reason I miss the tomorrow deadline, there will definitely be a post on Wednesday. A blog post is coming. The timing is just a little iffy.
I didn’t sleep much this past work week. I tried. It just didn’t work out. Now I am off for a week and can concentrate on all those problems that cropped up while I was at work. I need to visit the Central Office for our school district and either give them a piece of my mind or find out about homeschooling for my son. Maybe both.
For those out of the loop, the powers in charge suddenly decided my son shouldn’t go to the school he has been attending since kindergarten. They sent me a letter after school let out and on a Friday so I couldn’t do anything about it, even if I had been in any mental shape to do so. So I need to go see if I can get it fixed or learn how to home school. (Mind you they gave a legitimate reason. He isn’t zoned for that school. The thing is though, he has never been zoned for that school. I was under the understanding that since I pay both county and city taxes and was willing to drive him to school that it didn’t matter if we were zoned for there or not. This is his last year there anyway.)
I also need to go to the grocery store. Supplies are running low. My brother also has errands he wants me to run and my son woke up sick with fever this morning. Truth be told, I honestly am not feeling that great either. I slept nearly all of yesterday after I got out of work. I should be mostly recovered from the sleepless marathon I have been on. Still tired, sure, but I feel achy and I am pretty sure someone switched out my head with a bowling ball last night.
My main plan for this week off was to get writing done. Lots and Lots of writing. Libertycon is in a week. I wanted to have tons of stuff completed before then. I know my head will be bursting with new ideas by the time I leave there, it always is.
So in short, my coffee better quit slacking and do its job. I’ve got too much going on to feel as run down as I do. *sigh* wish me luck.
Customers shake their heads and give me pitying looks at work when they realize I work all night. Usually I smile and say something along the lines of : “It’s not that bad.” Or “The days off make up for the late hours.” Most of the time that is true.
However, some weeks that is a lie. So instead I say, “I have plenty of coffee.” Which is also true. What I don’t say is that some nights there isn’t enough coffee in the world.
Today I woke up at noon. For you day walkers, think of it as laying down at 8pm and waking up at midnight. It wouldn’t be a big deal if I didn’t do the same thing yesterday as well. (The day before that I slept great.)
This is going to be a long night and one of our more busy ones. If I get my hands on the sand man, I am going to tell him whomever he has doing deliveries during the day is slacking off. Then he will probably mumble something about hours being cut, staff not fully trained yet, or that they recently changed suppliers. *sigh*