Taking Punches

road-sign-940644_1280Someone said something to me a few weeks ago and I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind. It just pops up every now and then. I can hear the voice and everything.

I was sitting at my desk at the beginning of a long shift at work when one of my co-workers, several desks down, looked up and said: “I want to be Tammi.” I remember my surprise and the way I replayed her words to make sure I heard what I thought I heard. My clever reply, of course, was “What?”

So she said it again. “I want to be Tammi. Nothing ever seems to bother you.”

I blinked for a moment as all of my current struggles flashed before my mind’s eye. “No, you don’t. You really really don’t.”

Looking back I am still surprised at her words. I don’t know if I will ever get over the surprise. It isn’t that I have a bad life. I am actually pretty blessed. However, it is not all roses and sunshine. This person knows this. She has been there to see when life sucker punched me over and over. It has taken a while but I think I understand what she meant now. I guess I have rolled with those punches and gotten back up. That is what she was expressing envy for.

I still don’t think it is that big of a deal. I think I do a crappy job at this whole existing as a responsible adult thing. It is hard. Every day is hard. It feels like life is just one big constant fight.

I fight to wake up in the morning. I fight to get Toby to school on time. I fight to get to boxing-415394_1920.jpgwork. I fight the school when they can’t understand Toby’s Autism. I fight to pay bills, to write, to have groceries, to walk the dog, to feed the cats, to wash the laundry and the dishes…every single day is pushing against the wind. It may not seem like it on the outside. Many of these are things everyone has to do.

Simple things take so much energy. I am tired all the time. Which is why I guess I don’t react as much as others when life throws me those sucker punches. I am already fighting. It doesn’t make sense to stop just because I got decked with a harder blow than normal. That doesn’t mean I like it and that doesn’t mean I don’t loudly express my exasperation and frustration. Sometimes I throw myself a toddler style fit until I cry and have to take a nap. I am not unaffected by life’s punches. I just don’t know how to stay down for the count. I don’t wish those punches on anyone else either, because I know how much they hurt. boxing-984174_1920

(I am honestly a little afraid to post this because the universe might see it as a challenge. Please Universe, don’t see my words as a challenge. Life punches hard enough already.)

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Days like this

I don’t want to write today. I’m tired. I was up at 4 A.M. giving the dog a bath. (Trust me, he needed it.) It is nice outside today temperature wise and there is a steady breeze blowing, even if the overcast sky promises rain.

I think I would rather read and ignored the rest of the world. I had to people yesterday. There were not many, but I still entertained three other adults at my house. (Okay, so one was my mom and another was my brother but they still count.) It was my son’s birthday party so there was decorating and cleaning to be done beforehand and clean up afterward.

I have yet to wake up fully today and it is almost 5 in the afternoon. Maybe I should just go take a nap. I needed to get at least a blog post done, though it was very tempting just to skip this week. You guys came very close to getting ten ways to kill or protect against Vampires, rather than this post of me whining. I’m trying to save that for the book I am working on. (Or at least October so that it can be a sort of Halloween post.)

Anyway, I showed up and put words down on the page. That is the important part. You guys keep doing what you do and I will keep plodding along too. Have a good week.

Baking Failures and Family Reunions

granny and papaw
Papaw, Granny, and Aunt Dixie

Today was my family reunion. I still feel drained from the interaction. Don’t get me wrong, my family is awesome and I love them, but I am an introvert by nature and being around a lot of people can be fatiguing.

My lack of coffee probably hasn’t helped. I haven’t had a single cup today, by accident not by plan. I woke up early around 4 A.M. for no apparent reason. Unable to go back to sleep, I read a book for a while, then it was time to get up. I had pumpkin bread to make and brownies to bake.

Normally I am good at baking. It is my thing. I usually stress back over the holidays. Today baking was not my thing. I tried. I really did. I also forgot to add one of the key ingredients to the bread, dropped an egg down the sink, splattered brownie batter all over my face, and then mixed the ingredients for the type of brownie I was trying to make in the wrong order; effectively making them look unedible. They actually tasted okay, they just looked bad. And I forgot to grease the pan so they stuck to the bottom and I ended up with brownie crumbs while trying to get them out.

I ended up taking store-bought lemon aid and a big bowl of grapes. I thought it was probably safer for all involved, considering I also absent-mindedly sat an oven mitt down on a hot stove burner and nearly caused a fire. Honestly, I am not usually so bad in the kitchen.

I did get to see many of my cousins and my Aunt Patsy. I have a ton of cousins. Some I haven’t seen in over a decade, others it has been a month or two. I enjoyed getting a chance to visit with them. I wish I could have stayed longer. However, my son decided to brave the reunion as well and quickly used up all of his socializing reserves. (He is high functioning autistic so his reserves run out even faster than mine.) Still, I had a good time. I hope to be able to visit with everyone again next year.

 

Just Tired

I am tired. I’ve been tired so long I am not sure what not tired feels like. I can tell you what tired feels like though.

Tired feels like words just out of reach so that there are large gaps when you speak as you try to grasp the word you want or simply remember what it is you are trying to say. Tired is feeling like your eyes are always half closed rusted portals too dry to creak open all the way. Tired feels like effort to breathe, effort to think, effort to stand, sit, or sleep.

Tire feels like slogging along in thick mud caked boots so that each step is heavier than the last. Tired feels like wanting to sleep but knowing that sleep doesn’t help and neither does coffee. Tired is a constant. Or maybe that is just what it feels like right now.mammal-3096864__340

My bed is calling

There will be a blog post here. Eventually. I actually already have it written but it’s on paper and in my messy handwriting. I just got home from work and the kids attacked with “Mom can you…”

I was tired before, now I have passed the tired line drawn in the dust and moved on to exhausted. My brain is too much like mush for me to compose something that makes sense. Or even to copy something already written. So I am going to bed. Maybe when I get up I will sit down and write a blog post.

If I don’t do it this afternoon, I will do it tomorrow. However, if for some reason I miss the tomorrow deadline, there will definitely be a post on Wednesday. A blog post is coming. The timing is just a little iffy.

Delayed

The normal Monday post for this week will be delayed. It was a rough night at work last night and I really just feel like cuddling with my pillow and passing out. Pajama’s have never felt as glorious as they do right now.

Later in the week I will do another post. Hopefully with something entertaining or informative, or both. I am currently reading an excellent book by Ernest Dempsey called Dominate Your Day. It is along the self help line and I am hoping it will help me organize my time better. (I am already breaking one of the rules though. I shouldn’t be on my computer before bed. Getting enough sleep is an important step and playing on line keeps your brain stimulated when you should be getting ready to power down.)

I also am planning an interview with the owner of this cute little gift shop/art gallery my daughter and I discovered. It is such a neat place.

So yeah, more on all of that later. I’m heading for bed now. Have a good day everybody.

Work Weary

This is my second attempt at a post today. My first go was right after work and a trip to the grocery store. I sat at the computer for twenty minutes with glazed eyes and decided I would give it another shot later.

So now is later. I still don’t have a specific subject to write about. My caffeine levels are low. I heard thunder a few minutes ago an mistook it for the guy across the street revving his car engine again. A quick glance out of the window revealed my mistake.

This work week has been a tough one. They all seem to be tough ones recently, but so far this one is at the top of the pile. I don’t have many days where the gear shift falls apart in my hand as I pull into the parking lot. I think the car was trying to protect me in its own way. It was a silent cry of “No! You don’t want to go in there!”

I can’t pinpoint what is exactly so bad about going to work recently. I mean there are busy tough days but that is nothing new. Crazies, shoplifters, and needy customers aren’t stranger than normal either. I am just so tired. It is like every bit of energy is sucked right out as soon as I step through those sliding doors.

I once joked that the black balls on the ceiling, that hide the security cameras, were really orbs that sucked souls and that was how the building was powered because the power rarely goes out. The entire street can be bathed in black but out lights will still be shining bright. How else was that possible unless the store was using the employees as a generator?

I am beginning to wonder if I didn’t accidentally joke about the truth. I just feel so weary. Even when I wake up I feel tired. It takes longer and longer to bounce back on my week off. I used to be out of it on Wednesday and by Thursday I was mostly back to normal. Now it is Sunday or sometimes even Monday. Then I go back to work on Wednesday and it all goes down hill again.

Sigh. It maybe because it has been hard to have a regular life outside of work. I used to be able to spend a couple of hours before work relaxing and spending time with the kids. Lately it takes forever to go to sleep so I don’t get to wake up as early. I am too tired to sleep and more tired afterwards.