Life right now

Quicksand_9977I haven’t felt much like writing lately. I think my depression has raised its head to torment me because I really haven’t felt much like doing anything. I also haven’t been sleeping well. It just seems that everyone either needs something from me or wants to tell me what to do lately. I just want to hole up in a cabin somewhere away from people. I want to turn my phone off. I don’t want to check social media or talk to anyone on the phone. I don’t even want to text.

When I sleep I have nightmares. When I am awake there is always something I have to do. Reservations for a hotel for Libertycon, change reservations for Libertycon, cancel old reservations (still need to do that), make optometrist appointments for the kids because I am tired of wiring together my son’s glasses with jewelry wire, doctor’s appointments, therapy appointments….the list goes on and on. I just want to be for a little while. I want to just sit here and not worry about work or paying bills or fixing the car or the toilet. I just want to sit still and breathe.

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Headaches and Bad Moods

I am not in the best of moods today. I haven’t felt well the past couple of days but I have been trying to ignore it. I know that it is the sudden weather change exasperating a previously existing condition.

Several years ago I broke my nose. Not in a cool way. Not even in a dumb way that makes a good story. I dropped my shampoo bottle in the shower after I already soaped up. I fumbled closing the lid and didn’t want all of the shampoo leaking out, but I also didn’t want soap in my eyes. So I bent over with my eyes closed and bashed my nose against the little indentation where the soap goes.

It hurt but I didn’t even realize I broke my nose until several months later when the seasons changed and I developed an ear infection with a side of vertigo. I was out of work for a week because I couldn’t stand up without falling over or throwing up, all because I dropped the shampoo. To this day I have sinus issues that give me major headaches and earaches. The experts say they can fix it by rebreaking my nose and I am all for it. Temporary pain versus long term pain sounds like a win to me. Yet so far no one has actually followed up. Something always seems to happen right before we can schedule whatever it is they need to do.

Today my face hurts and my head hurts because mother nature seems to be having hot flashes. It went from 27 degrees Fahrenheit to 70 degrees in a matter of days. The change in air pressure hurts. Add that to three hours of sleep filled with nightmares, followed several hours fighting to formating issues and I have been done with this day since before the sun rose.

I would take a nap but my son is home sick from school with a stomach virus. Neither of us are having the best day, but at least the things I eat are staying down. We went to the doc and picked up some meds so hopefully, after a bit of rest, he will be feeling better.

Today is also the start of the Chinese New Year. Welcome to the year of the Pig. I don’t know what that means for me. Every placemat I’ve ever read lists me firmly as a Sheep.  A Wood Sheep if you want to get specific.

Cookies, Coffee, and Contentment

There is something about baking cookies just because that brings me a sense of peace. It has been a tough week. My son has been sick since last Thursday. First, he had a stomach virus. That lasted Thursday and Friday. By Saturday he seemed to be over losing the contents of his stomach but he still wasn’t feeling well.

cold-1947995_1920.jpgOn Sunday he started running a fever. By the wee hours of Monday morning, the fever was up to 102 and he was laying in the floor crying because his ear hurt. He wouldn’t say much else. (Toby has ASD or Autism Spectrum Disorder.) Not sure what else to do and with hours until the doctor opened I took him down to the emergency room of the children’s hospital.

The doctors there were fantastic as always. They took their time with him and explained everything they were doing. He was diagnosed with an ear infection, we were given a prescription for antibiotics, and released. I continued to alternate ibuprofen and Tylenol to help with the pain and the fever.

Fast forward to this Thursday. The fever still hadn’t gone away and despite three days of antibiotics, his ear was still hurting. So we went to the doctor to follow up and found out he had both an outer and an inner ear infection. The Doc prescribed some ear drops to go along with the antibiotics. The fever is finally gone and my son is on the mend.

Friday a sweet friend gave me a tub of cookie dough he had bought to support a fundraiser. Today, with Toby feeling better and with the sun shining after a week of rain, it seemed like the perfect time to bake some cookies. I didn’t even have to tell my son I was baking. The cookies had been in the oven less than two minutes before he followed his nose into the kitchen. Now the discs of deliciousness are cooling and I have a fresh cup of coffee in hand. Soon Toby will have a glass of milk and we will sit down with a couple of chocolate chocolate-chip cookies. For this moment, life is good. cookies-933191_1920.jpg

Allergies

Asthma_Medication_InhalerI am not feeling too well today. It isn’t anything serious, just a savage allergy attack, but it has me keeping my asthma inhaler close and a hot cup of tea closer. My eyes are itchy and it is hard to breathe. Poor Molly, my dog, has had to stay outside in the backyard today because I can’t take the extra allergy irritant.tea book

I’m not sure if I mentioned it before but we recently discovered that I am allergic to my dog. She is a mostly outside dog anyway so it isn’t too much of a problem. I let her in if it looks like rain or if it is too hot outside, of course.  She has plenty of shade and dry places to stay but she really doesn’t like water and her fur is so thick I worry if she stays out too long when it is hot. So despite me being allergic, she can often be found snoring in the floor behind my computer chair as I write. I just have an extra cup of tea and make sure I take my allergy meds. Today is just extra bad. I know it is supposed to rain tomorrow so she will probably be inside most of the day and it is just best to limit my exposure while I can.

Image may contain: dogHopefully, Molly will be well behaved tomorrow because she will be home alone for a few hours. There is a fall festival at a nearby Native American site that we are planning on checking out. The web page says it will be going on rain or shine. Today would have been a better day to go weather wise but tomorrow is better schedule wise for all who are making the trip. I am sure my mom will check in on her too.

 

 

A Sick Note

cat-peeking-out-from-under-bedding

To Whom it may concern:

There will not be a post today. The author of this blog was just diagnosed with the flu. She has cocooned herself in blankets and plans to stay there until she feels better or crosses over, whichever happens first. Well wishes are appreciated. She will return at a later date for a proper blog post. Unless she dies. Then she will be a ghost writer…

 

Yeah, I’m feeling like death warmed over guys. I’ll post again when I’m not.

Sharing Burdens

I feel like I am hanging on to the end of a frayed rope and my palms are sweaty. If I think too much I will have a major anxiety attack and end up back in bed, under the blankets, and trying not to hyperventilate. I’ve got troubles. Doesn’t everyone?

I know that the things going on right now that are stressing me out will pass. And once time moves me past this trial it won’t seem as insurmountable as it does now. Sometimes living with anxiety depression makes you feel like even small tasks are the equivalent to Frodo taking the one ring to Mount Doom.

Today I am facing a second trip to the doctor for my sick son. I also have a million tiny errands that need to be done. I need to make some phone calls, buy cat food, acquire doctors notes, and manage to pick my daughter up from school.

Monday I have a meeting at my son’s school because he has been absent a lot this year. He has inherited my anxiety demon. It, combined with a few other stressors, has made this school year hell. There have been times I have had to drag him begging to the car and you don’t want to know how many times he has thrown up on himself because of stress.

This meeting has me all tied in knots. I am trying to prepare for it. I don’t like confrontation to begin with and now I have to stand up and plead my son’s case or leave with a fine. Ironically, the day after he brought home the note for the meeting, he woke up with a 103.3 degree fever. I took him to the doctor yesterday and they said it is the flu. Again. (He has already the flu once this school year, before Christmas.) They want to see him again today. He will be out all week.

I did have plans to attend a Cherry Blossom Festive this weekend. That has been scrapped in favor of playing Nurse Mom and fretting over the future. I know worrying over the out come of the meeting will not change anything, but that doesn’t stop my brain from going: What if… and then chasing the thoughts around and around like a dog going after his own tail.

I find  that writing things out does help. That is one of the reasons I am writing this. I don’t have to share these words on line but I probably will anyway.  Because, I know I am not the only anxiety depressive out there. Sometimes reading about other people’s struggles makes your own seem smaller. Sometimes it makes you feel less alone.

If one person reads these words an thinks “Oh, I do that” or “Yeah, feeling overwhelmed sucks,” then these words will have meant something more than just me calming myself down. They will have reached out into the world and connected me with another person, and that is a precious, wonderful thing. It means I am not alone either.

Asthma, anxiety, and nightmares

chased_by_nightmaresI awoke early this morning before the sun.  I had to claw my way out of nightmares and managed to escape ten minutes before my alarm would have gone off.  In dreams ten minutes can be an eternity.

I stumbled to the shower to wash away lingering unease and then made for the kitchen and a hot cuppa.  Finally awake-ish, I turned on the local weather to find out what season it was going to be today.  (A legitimate question. Last week I couldn’t tell the falling tree blossoms from the falling snow.)  Turns out today it is going to be Summer. The temp is supposed to be in the upper 70’s.

I laid clothes out for the kids, packed lunches, then went to awaken my sleeping angels.  John_George_Brown_-_Sleeping_angel(They don’t always remain angels after I wake them up.)  We had cinnamon toast for breakfast.  While they ate I took the trash down to the curb then promptly had an asthma attack once I was back inside.  This caused a major problem.

I had my fast acting inhaler but if I used it I knew an anxiety attack would follow closely after.  The inhaler increases a persons heart rate even as it allows them to breath.  I had already had caffeine and lets not forget the nightmares that disturbed my slumber.

Chemical-structure-caffeine-optNightmares + Caffeine =  Awake and functional

Morning + Caffeine = Awake and functional

Caffeine + Asthma inhaler = anxiety

Nightmares + Caffeine + Asthma inhaler = major anxiety freak outAsthma_Medication_Inhaler

And because I apparently like to cause myself unnecessary stress:

Nightmares + Caffeine + Asthma inhaler + Grocery Store after taking kids to school =  Ohmygodjustbreathejustbreatheyou’realmosthome.

ExhaustedI am better now.  I am also exhausted.  I had big plans for getting stuff accomplished today. I am not sure how much of that is going to happen now.  I did manage to work off my anxiety by washing a load of clothes, a sink full of dishes, and cleaning out the litter box, so that’s something.

Now I am just going to make myself a nice decaffeinated cup of tea and read a book for a bit.  Maybe later I will feel up to taking the computer onto the tea bookfront porch to enjoy the sun and work on my book.