Be Still

walnut-tree-stormI’ve been stressed. I woke up this morning knowing I have to go to work, I have to pay the electric bill, I have to get the kids up, feed them, and make them do their school work. I have to write the other four or five pages of an essay that is due by midnight and I have to learn enough about the Philippine War in order to write a paper about it as well. That one may also be due today. I honestly can’t remember. I am so far behind in my other two classes that I am afraid to look at the due dates.

So my life has been one massive “I have to”. I woke up this morning and realised I can’t bigger-viewremember the last time I read a book for enjoyment. For me, that is like waking up not remembering when I breathed last. Before school started I would read several books a week.

As I lay in bed watching the ceiling fan, I did a playback of this week. It has been extra crummy. I was late to work yesterday. Wednesday a customer got me mad enough that I walked around the grocery store for awhile before coming home. (I had to do grocery shopping anyway.) The list goes on, but this moment of introspection made me realise something. I haven’t had many moments of introspection lately either and that is something I need.

red-treeI need to decompress. I need a few moments of silence away from computers and textbooks. Watching a thirty-minute tv show or going to local county fair may be fun, but they aren’t what I am needing. I think I am taking time out doing those things but really I am just providing more for my over-stimulated brain to take in.
What I really need is a few moments with a cup of tea on the front porch watching the leaves change. I need a hot bath to soak in and to just be. I need a walk in the woods. I need to let my brain download and file away all the things that are daily crammed into it.

If I take that time everything else usually falls into place a lot easier.


No Brakes?

rails-253134_1280Sometimes life moves so fast it feels as if you are going down hill on a runaway train. I keep thinking things are going to mellow out. My kids started back to school last week. I am still waiting for the newness to turn into routine. I need it to soon because next week I start back to school for the first time in years.

How am I supposed to toss another ball into the air when I am not certain that I can juggle what I have? Ready or not, my time in training at work will be over Thursday and I get to see if I can fend for myself in the wild…er I mean call center. (The wild would probably be easier.)

My new job will depend on what team I am picked for. Some people already know which study-1355437_1280teams they will be on. I don’t yet.  It kind of feels like I am back in middle school; the short, glasses wearing asthmatic everyone picked last.

I still feel like I am faking my way through knowing what I am doing. I do my best and make my best guesses but I’ve had a few moments where I’ve been pulled aside and had my mistakes pointed out. It isn’t malicious. I am glad they let me know. How else am I to learn?

It’s just that I have spent a long time more or less knowing how to do my job. This however, is all new and there is so much to absorb. Going in I did not realize it was going to be such an information dump. I worry that I am not up to the challenge.

So recap: The kids are back in school. New  work responsibilities start Thursday. ( I can’t even prepare because I don’t know what clown-587234_1280they will be.) Monday my classes start. The following Monday my schedule work changes.

If I can’t manage to juggle all of these responsibility balls, then I may run away and join the circus. Surely physical objects would be easier.

A Monday For Facing Fears

Hello. It is Monday again. The sky is overcast and the grass is still damp with dew. I have been up for a bit but I am just now sitting down to write this. I have been stalling.

You see, if I sit down and write a blog post that means it is really Monday. This Monday. The Monday where I once again have to do something that I don’t really want to do because it scares me a little.

Now before any of you get ideas of doctor appointments or tightrope walking into your heads, it really isn’t that big of a deal to the rest of the world. Once I go and get things over with it won’t seem like a big deal to me either. It is the time before I actually step out of my door that is the worst.

I have to go out into the world and adult today. Yes adult can be used as a verb. If you don’t think so, just wait. One day you will do a thing and it will be something that is necessary but not really something you want to do. In fact you would probably like to avoid that thing all together. However, you will take a deep breath and do it anyway. That is adulting. (In some cases “adulting” can be not doing a thing you do really want to do.)

I have to put on my adult costume and go pretend to be something I’m not. I am an adult. I have bills, pets, kids, laundry and everything. It all gets paid, fed, or washed. But to the rest of the world I get the feeling that I am just not quite adult enough. I have to go confront the local school board over my son today. I may even be home schooling before the day is out.

(Summary of the issue is that they want my social anxiety afflicted son to move schools during his last year of primary because he is not zoned for the school he has attended since kindergarten. Makes sense except for the fact he has never been zoned for that school but it hasn’t been a problem until now.)

Sometimes I feel I have to over adult because once someone in power find out I am a single mom, for some reason my adult meter drops. I watch it happen. There is this little smirk that comes up in the corner of their mouths and their eyes say “Oh, that’s what we are dealing with.”

If they find out I am pursuing the dream of being a writer the meter drops even more. It is like I am a little kid dressed up in her mom’s shoes and no longer have to be taken seriously. I hate, hate, hate being humored or patronized. If you are going to look down on me at least do it in a way that gives me a chance to fight back.

I am not on welfare. I am paying my own mortgage. I work 72 hours in one week, then come home and do all the other stuff people have to do and be mom.  (Okay my incredibly wonderful mother helps me out with some of that.) Then I write because I am a writer. I can and I will pursue that dream. Just because I happen to not have a mate does not mean I have to give up on everything and go wallow in how hard life is.

I even have a freaking vegetable garden in the back yard! If anything I feel like they should be taking me more serious or at least trying help me out a little. But that is not the way it goes. Instead I am silently put into a stereotype box and anything I say from that point on will be viewed wearing shades colored by that box.

It is incredibly frustrating and I don’t like confrontation to begin with. Writing it all out here has helped. I don’t feel so uneasy now. I am going to go forth into battle before my courage fades. Wish me luck.

A bad book

I was reading a book review/rant over on Shiny Book Review. While the author in me cringes a tiny tiny bit in pity, the reader in me is jumping up in the pews yelling “Preach Brother, Preach!

We have all come across bad writing at some point. I have waded through my share of what I consider bad books. Those books where you just keep wading through with the smallest shreds of hope that it will get better. That bit of prose you just keep reading because you have already wasted so much time that you might as well finish it and maybe find the diamond in among the coal.

Well, apparently Jason Cordova was sent one of those books and the deep frustration he felt is admirably shared through his vivid use of language. I have never come across this particular book. So I can’t make a call on how bad it really is. I can say that I thoroughly enjoyed Jason’s reaction to it though. 🙂

(Wait….did I just review a book review?)

The troll and Uncle Timmy

There is this thing about the internet that makes some people think that flaunting stupidity is okay and something to be cheered.  Trolls don’t just live under bridges anymore.  They live in comments and behind fake names.

Pardon me while I rant.

Two days ago a writer by the name of Jason Cordova, posted this on his blog.  I wish I had seen this the day it was posted.  I second or 102nd the outrage people are expressing about “Uncle Timmy” being uninvited to Archon.

You see I am just a fan. Just a nobody really.  I like science and science fiction. I like to write science fiction, fantasy, and poetry.  I am also an introvert with anxiety depression.

I have attended many anime conventions over the years with my small group of friends.  The fact that my friends were with me made the crowds okay.  I had never attended a science fiction convention until two years ago.

I don’t even remember how I found out about LibertyCon.  (Probably stumbled over it on a webpage somewhere.)  I do remember being both excited and nervous as I ordered tickets.  I went by myself and was sure everyone could hear my heartbeat echoing in the parking garage as I got out of my car.

I wandered around until I finally asked where check in was.  A long table covered in white table cloths stretched down a sort of crowded hall.  I had seen bigger crowds but usually I had the buffer of my friends on either side.  When I stepped up to pick up my badge, a graying-dark haired, heavy set man with a beard handed me my piece of laminated plastic.  He grinned at my hesitant questions but answered them all and in just a few minutes I didn’t feel as much like a gate crasher.   That man was Tim Bolgeo, otherwise know as “Uncle Timmy.”

I saw Uncle Timmy around a lot that weekend, though I didn’t really talk to him much.  I did see how he interacted with all and sundry. He was very at easy and really did seem like everyone’s favorite uncle.

This will be my third year attending Libertycon.  I am going by myself again but I am not worried.  It feels more like attending a family reunion than a convention.  I am positive that is largely do to the man who started Libertycon, though he has since stepped down.

True I don’t know Uncle Timmy very well.  I only know what I have seen.  And that is someone who is kind, funny, and intelligent. Not the same person the bridge dwelling comment troll complained about.

I have never attended Archon though I have considered it.  Now I don’t think I will.  The small amount of interest I did have, has just been killed by poor taste.



facepalm kittenThis isn’t the post I said was coming on Monday.  I still owe that one.  However, I just found out about some Stupid and had to comment.  Now this information is several days old.  I tend to miss a turn of the jump rope when I work.   But I was just reading a new post over at Comet Tales by Stephanie Osborn and it had me face palming at the audacity of some people.  (This is a rant expressing my opinion.)

There is an article over at Huffpost entitled “If J.K. Rowling Cares About Writing, She Should Stop Doing It”.  I am not linking to it. If you want to read it, it is easy enough to find.  The Dumb should not be available from my blog, unless it is something I write dumb5myself.   I did go check out the article after finding out about it, just to see if it was really that bad.  It is.

I didn’t even have to make it very far before coming to this conclusion.  The second sentence in the second paragraph, in reference to the Harry Potter books, is:  ” I did think it a shame that adults were reading them (rather than just reading them to their children, which is another thing altogether), mainly because there’s so many other books out there that are surely more stimulating for grown-up minds.

Open book magic on blackI am a fan of the Harry Potter books.  I’ve read them all and thought they were fantastic. (I have only seen a couple of the movies though.)   However, you could loath Harry Potter and still take offense at that sentence.  Exactly what is the shame in an adult reading a children’s book?  What is the problem with an adult enjoying a children’s book?   I don’t understand this.  I read them all the time.   I LOVE Diana Wynne Jones.  I adore C.S. Lewis, Neil Gaiman, Madeleine L’Engle, Ronald Dahl, Lewis Carroll, Susan Cooper, and Lloyd Alexander.  There are many many more wonderful authors I could name as well.

“You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult smart kidfor grown-ups, then you write it for children.”   -Madeleine L’Engle

“I don’t write for children. I write. And somebody says, that’s for children.” -Maurice Sendak

tumblr_m490bucc8P1r2taqzo1_500“Fantasy is hardly an escape from reality. It’s a way of understanding it.” – Lloyd Aleander

Some people seem to think that just because a story is written for children, or children enjoy it then, it must be too simple for alice22adults.  I feel sorry for these people.  They must miss so much in life.

The rest of the article goes on to complain about how J.K Rowling is now writing for adults and whines about her selling so many books.  The fact that J.K. Rowling is a well selling author and that her fans like to purchase her books  some how seems to preventing people from buying books from other authors.

…I guess that makes sense in a world where it is shameful for an adult to read a book that resides on a child’s book shelf.   It doesn’t  make much sense to me, but hey, I read children’s books so what do I know?

If you want to read what some other writers think about this same article I offer the following:


“I don’t write for children. I write. And somebody says, that’s for children.”
Maurice Sendak – See more at:
“I don’t write for children. I write. And somebody says, that’s for children.”
Maurice Sendak – See more at:
“I don’t write for children. I write. And somebody says, that’s for children.”
Maurice Sendak – See more at: