There are usually a couple of reasons I can’t sleep. Very rarely is it because I am not tired. The more likely reason is that my thoughts are too loud.
I will lay there in the cool dark with the ceiling fan stirring the air, and instead of just enjoying the peaceful silence my mind starts to wander. I think about work and the kids. I think about all the things in life I could be better at. I feel guilty about the things I didn’t get done that day or the fact that I am making the dog stay outside in the back yard because she keeps peeing in the floor. (She will be out for hours and then come in and pee on the floor for no reason. I really don’t understand why.)
Depression closes in around me and I just continue to spiral downward for hours until I finally pass out or it is time to get up again. To bypass this, I often read before bed. However, this is a double-edged sword because I have a problem putting a book down once I start. So if I am not careful I will not sleep for reading too much.
There are over the counter sleep aids that I can take but I usually only go with those if I don’t have to get up early. Even if I try to go to bed early I am still groggy the next day. Often I end up feeling the same as if I haven’t slept.
I also have an autistic son that likes to wake me up after I’ve been asleep for a couple of hours. It is usually because he needs something so I feel guilty getting annoyed about it, but it is just so hard to go back to sleep once someone wakes me up. It feels like it is twice as hard as just going to sleep to begin with.
I am having trouble sleeping right now. I thought maybe writing a few words would clear some brain space for sleep. Here’s hoping it works. Sweet dreams everyone.
I’ve not been writing much. Honestly, I’ve not been doing a lot of anything that isn’t strictly necessary. Last week I read a lot and watch Good Omens when it was released to Amazon Prime on Friday. (It was awesome.) Sunday I went to the movies to watch the live action version of Aladdin. It was pretty good.
I’ve paid my bills, I’ve gone to work, I’ve made sure everything or everyone I’m responsible for has been fed…but it has all been just me on autopilot. I suppose I could blame the unseasonably warm temperatures or depression, maybe even a combo of the two. Anyway, I didn’t even notice that I was on autopilot until Friday.
The book Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman has always been one of my favorites. I took a course on British Literature in college and as a final project, the teacher had us choose a work by a British author and do a presentation on it. There were the usual picks like Chaucer or Shakespeare that the rest of my classmates went with but I waited after class to
ambush speak with the professor in order to convince him to allow me to use Good Omens. (The only rule he had given us was that the author had to be of British origin.)
At first, he was hesitant because he wanted us to do a project on something he was familiar with. However, I had come prepared. I gave him a copy of the book I just happened to have on hand and told him a short synopsis.
Basically, I told him that the book is about the end of the world, they’ve misplaced the antichrist, and the four horsemen ride motorcycles. (The motorcycle part was the important bit because I knew he rode as well.) Anyway, I got permission and passed the assignment with flying colors. It was more difficult to pull the project together because there was less to work with. The people who pick Hamlet or Canterbury Tales had tons of sources to choose from. I had a few pieces of fan art, the book itself, and some author interviews. But it was worth it because I got a chance to share something I loved with the rest of my class. No one else had read it, outside of the professor.
So this past Friday I realized it was May 31, 2019. It caught me off guard. The date was etched in my mind because I had been waiting over a year for Amazon to bring one of my favorite books to life. I had high hopes because they had cast David Tennent as Crowley and I knew he would be able to pull it off. Yet instead of eagerly counting down the days, the day arrived without me noticing. That was when it hit me how much of a fog I’ve been in.
I sat down that afternoon and watched all six hours of Good Omens. The story unfolded perfectly and I was excited as I waited for each new episode to start. I felt for the characters when bad things happened, I laughed at the jokes, and I enjoyed trying to spot all the Doctor Who references they snuck in. During those six hours, I shook off my fog and came back to life.
So here I am. Back to me again. I don’t like being lost like that. It’s a scary thing and I’d like to prevent it from reoccurring.
This Monday snuck up on me. I’m not sure what happened to the weekend. Friday afternoon was hot. I remember that. There is no air conditioning in my car and the window don’t roll down. We had to go to appointments in the next city over so the kids and I were well done by the time we got home. Everyone went to bed early.
Saturday I went to visit my folks and my dad fixed the passenger side window so now we have at least one window that rolls down. I took a walk with my camera and took a bunch of pictures but haven’t actually sat down and looked at what I took.
Sunday we went to see Detective Pikachu. It was an okay movie. I probably would have enjoyed it more if we hadn’t missed the first 20 minutes. When we got to the theater we were directed to screen 6. So that is where we went. We waited long past the time for the movie to start. I had a feeling from the moment we sat down that something was off. Soon some nice gentlemen showed up and were really confused because we were in their seats. Turns out screen 6 was showing John Wick 3. (Which I wouldn’t have minded watching too.) Detective Pikachu was actually playing on screen 4 which was on the other side of the theater. Fortunately, our seats were in the very back as you entered so we didn’t disturb anyone else by our late arrival but it still annoyed me that we were sent to the wrong area and I was annoyed at myself for not listening to my gut.
Afterward, we stopped by the bookstore for a couple of new books. My eldest was going through emotions like bored couch potato flipping channels. My youngest found two books and was ready to go home immediately thereafter. We decided to call it a day. Everyone went to bed early last night.
This morning I awoke to the alarm going off and realized I hadn’t packed lunches or any of the things I usually do the night before. Clean clothes had to be pulled out of the dryer and random things stuffed into lunch boxes before everyone head out the door. I am pretty sure we may have even forgotten to let the dog in last night. (Not that she minded. She likes it outside at night because it is cooler and she does have a sheltered place to sleep. She came in for breakfast and wanted right back out.)
I also realized I didn’t do my usual weekend blog post which is why I am writing this on a Monday morning. I am not ready for the responsibility of a new week. I’m going to need extra coffee or something.
Today I am going to see Avenger’s Endgame. I haven’t seen it yet so you can read this without the fear of spoilers. (Which is why I am writing this now and not later.) I am actually really annoyed right now.
Many of my friends and coworkers have already seen the movie, which is great. I am happy they enjoyed it but I also appreciate that they keep any information about the movie to themselves until I have had a chance to enjoy it as well. I have managed this past week rather well, avoiding any hints of what happens. Then today, mere hours before I am to see the movie, two separate people tried to ruin it for me. (It was almost three, but that I managed to convey to the third person that if they valued their life they would keep their mouth shut.)
It is great if you read or watch something you really enjoy. It’s okay to tell me if you enjoyed something and make the suggestion for me to watch or read it as well if you think its something I will enjoy. However, do not tell me all the major plot points or the ending. If I ask for details, that’s fine, but to go around spewing spoilers unsolicited or to purposely cause problems…that’s being a jerk. Don’t be a jerk.
Earlier this week I was sitting a table in the breakroom at my day job, scribbling down story ideas. A random coworker approached and jokingly ask if I was writing a book. I answered straight-faced with a “yes”, causing him to look at me funny. With a sigh, I stopped writing and reached for my wallet to pull out a business card. I explained that yes I do write fiction, mostly fantasy, and had several things available on Amazon if he were interested.
I didn’t know this person. My day job is in a building with probably 400 people. I don’t know them all but I had seen this gentleman before in passing. The sigh was involuntary because I was being interrupted. Its the same as when you are trying to read or watch a movie and someone keeps talking to you. With a book or a movie often you can go back to the last line you read or rewind the film. When you are writing and someone interrupts your thoughts are gone once derailed depending on when they interrupt. In this case, everything was pouring out off the cuff and when I got suddenly got brought back to reality it was like someone turned off the water while I was drinking from the fountain.
Earlier that day I had been asked a question. I was stuck in a meeting with around sixty other people and happened to mention to one of my work friends that I have a new book of short stories out. This elicited surprise from those nearby, which confused me. I’m a writer. I don’t hide it. I thought I was quite obvious about it but it seems I wasn’t as apparent as I thought I was.
I was then asked, “If you are a writer, why aren’t you rich?”
I laughed because it doesn’t work that way. If all it took was to write and be semi-decent at it to become well off, the distribution of wealth would be much different than what it is. My answer was: “Because I am not Stephen King, and even he started off writing in the laundry room.” (I work at an appliance company so this was met with more amusement than average.)
It is intriguing to note that people still equate books with wealth. Once upon a time books were hard to come by and only the wealthy had them. However, even then, the people that wrote the books were not as well off as the people that read them. Unless you are one of the few who receive a lot of advertising and tend to be decently prolific, writing a book is not the way to fame and fortune. Which isn’t why most writers write anyway.
I mean, we wouldn’t mind a little of the fortune. We all have bills to pay and would love the chance to be able to do so without worry or the necessity of having another job. It’s just not the way things usually work; regardless if you go the traditional publishing route, go indie, or do a combination of the two.
There are some writers who make a good living. I hope to be one of them someday. I think that is the hope of most writers. Those that are actually in it for the fame and fortune are usually disappointed unless they have very good marketing teams.
Could I be more successful than I am right now? Oh absolutely. I just need to get over my ingrained insecurities, stop sighing at people who interrupt my writing when they may be potential customers, actually finish the dozens of writing projects I’ve got in the works, and then tell lots and lots of people that I have books and they should read them instead of hoping for some kind of divine osmosis to happen where everyone just suddenly knows my stuff exists.
I’ll get there one day.
I’ve missed a post or two. I meant to write but somehow got sidetracked. Today life keeps kicking me unpleasantly. Not those little kicks under the table but a full out walk-around-the-corner-and-get-kicked-by-a-mule type kicks. The type of kicks that made the physical comedy of The Three Stooges funny.
I’m not laughing though.
I have shed a few tears but mostly I just shoved everything back to deal with later. Now it is bedtime and I feel the restrains I put on my emotions weakening. I want to cry and throw up at the same time. It’s been a rough day.