Unburden

I know you are supposed to be careful what you post online because it will be there forever and possibly the whole world can see it. If you wouldn’t say it in a crowd of strangers then you shouldn’t say it online. However, at the moment I feel a little heart sick.  I think that if I were standing in a crowd of strangers that if they would listen I would talk.

It isn’t exactly one thing that is weighing on me. In fact things should be looking good in my life right now. Tonight is the last night at my, to pay the bills, job for a week and the kids have a long weekend. I am up to date on the bills and while I do still have to buy groceries, I should have a little left over to do something fun with the kids while they are out of school.

So why do I feel like crawling under my bed, building a blanket fort, and staying there?  Well, I a sure part of it is the anxiety depression talking. I know that and yet I can’t just make it go away by simply knowing that it is causing problems.

Another part of it is that I got into an argument at work and thoroughly lost my temper. It has been a stressful week. The boss was on vacation, the pharmacy practically imploded, and there has just been one minor crisis after another. Then one of my co-workers decided to confront me because another co-worker told him I got upset because he left an hour early the day before. It was true. I did get upset. Instead of sticking around for his assigned hours, I felt like he pushed the whole mess into my lap and left me to deal with it alone. There was a ton of work to be done and from what I could see he hadn’t even attempted it.

From his point of view, it had been the day from hell and he just wanted out. I do understand that. It has been that kind of week. However, I still do not think it was wise to pull me to the side the next day and attempt to give me a lecture over why I should not have been upset.

People are entitled to feelings. Yes, I was upset. But I continued to do my job, had a good rant while in the office, and then tucked it away because there were more important things to do. By the next day I was over it…until the lecture began. Then it was all new and fresh, no sleep with a side of pissed off.

The fact that he tried to justify himself by bringing up my own faults was just gasoline to the fire. Shaking and teary-eyed I had to turn and walk away before I did something that my boss would have had to fire me for. (The fact that the co-worker in question is over a decade younger than me and over a foot taller didn’t help matters.)

The boss was back the next morning and took care of matters but she had a sudden death in the family so she is off again on bereavement. The death happened around the same time as the argument with my co-worker.

I talk to customers at work, turn on the t.v. at home, or pick up a paper, and all I see is a world gone mad with too many people hurting themselves and others. I hate it. I want to fix it but I don’t know how. All I can do is write about it. I can write out my hurts, that are so insignificant to the larger ones like losing a loved one. I can unburden my heart with words on paper.

It doesn’t really help the world, but it does help me deal with it and keep moving. Maybe if more people could unburden themselves in a similar fashion the world wouldn’t be as tied in knots as it is.

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Overwhelmed

I am taking a minute to breathe. I felt my anxiety creeping up and I had to take a moment to squeeze it back down. It is kind of like those yogurt tubes my kids eat. If there is too much pressure the whole thing comes out of the top instead of just what you can handle.

It’s Monday again. School is back in session so that means I am up before the sun laying out clothes and packing lunches. In an hour I will awaken my two sleeping angels, who will then stumble around like zombies until that final dash to the car.

I have fed the cats, given the kitten his antibiotic and eye drops, as well as clean the litter boxes. (The kitten, Max, is a stray we took in. He has eye problems that have caused him to lose one eye and he will probably lose the other as well.)

My son has dress up week. Today is wacky Monday. He can wear odd clothes, put his shirt on backwards and wear mix matched socks. (I am glad this one falls on Monday.) Later in the week he has to dress like he is from the 1940’s. So I have to figure out how to dress him up like my grandfather.

(I remember my grandfather in plain white t-shirts and work pants. Somehow, I don’t think that is what the school is going for. My papaw wore suits or overalls. I don’t think either of those would go over well with my son.)

He also has his first fund raiser this week. I am broke until Friday but for some reason these people always seem to end fund raisers on Thursdays. It will be a week of begging my co-workers to support the school. Unfortunately, most of them are broke until Friday as well.

My daughter is in her first year of middle school. There are three posts worth of problems and drama to go along with that. I spend two hours every afternoon in school lines to pick up the kids. I’ve started taking my novel with me so I can write edit notes while I wait.

My dinning room table is covered with bits of novel, mail, my daughter’s drawings, pieces of newspaper, school work, and forms to fill out and/or sign. It can be a bit much. Faced with it this morning, I felt like hyperventilating. I need to clear it off, not just put a random box in the middle so the cats will quit knocking papers to the floor. (It works. They sit in the box and leave the rest alone.)

But for right now I am just going to take a deep breath and just breathe for a minute before jumping back in.

 

 

Asthma, anxiety, and nightmares

chased_by_nightmaresI awoke early this morning before the sun.  I had to claw my way out of nightmares and managed to escape ten minutes before my alarm would have gone off.  In dreams ten minutes can be an eternity.

I stumbled to the shower to wash away lingering unease and then made for the kitchen and a hot cuppa.  Finally awake-ish, I turned on the local weather to find out what season it was going to be today.  (A legitimate question. Last week I couldn’t tell the falling tree blossoms from the falling snow.)  Turns out today it is going to be Summer. The temp is supposed to be in the upper 70’s.

I laid clothes out for the kids, packed lunches, then went to awaken my sleeping angels.  John_George_Brown_-_Sleeping_angel(They don’t always remain angels after I wake them up.)  We had cinnamon toast for breakfast.  While they ate I took the trash down to the curb then promptly had an asthma attack once I was back inside.  This caused a major problem.

I had my fast acting inhaler but if I used it I knew an anxiety attack would follow closely after.  The inhaler increases a persons heart rate even as it allows them to breath.  I had already had caffeine and lets not forget the nightmares that disturbed my slumber.

Chemical-structure-caffeine-optNightmares + Caffeine =  Awake and functional

Morning + Caffeine = Awake and functional

Caffeine + Asthma inhaler = anxiety

Nightmares + Caffeine + Asthma inhaler = major anxiety freak outAsthma_Medication_Inhaler

And because I apparently like to cause myself unnecessary stress:

Nightmares + Caffeine + Asthma inhaler + Grocery Store after taking kids to school =  Ohmygodjustbreathejustbreatheyou’realmosthome.

ExhaustedI am better now.  I am also exhausted.  I had big plans for getting stuff accomplished today. I am not sure how much of that is going to happen now.  I did manage to work off my anxiety by washing a load of clothes, a sink full of dishes, and cleaning out the litter box, so that’s something.

Now I am just going to make myself a nice decaffeinated cup of tea and read a book for a bit.  Maybe later I will feel up to taking the computer onto the tea bookfront porch to enjoy the sun and work on my book.

 

 

Anxiety Depression

Anxiety:

a : painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usually over an impending or anticipated ill

b : fearful concern or interest

c : a cause of anxiety

2
: an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one’s capacity to cope with it

 

Or in my words…You know when you get butterflies in your stomach?  It’s kinda like that. butterfly attackA really really bad case of the butterflies, only super mutant butterflies.  And they don’t stay in your stomach.  No those nasty little buggers move out to your chest, arms, and head too until it feels like you are shaking apart from the inside.

The worst part is that you know that whatever triggered your attack isn’t really that big of a deal.  It may feel like it, but in the end you know that it isn’t as bad.  Not that it matters, you’re trapped inside yourself until the attack passes.

anxiety-cycle300_jpgYou fake being okay because you don’t want to be labeled.  You’re not okay, but only those who know you well will take note of how wide your eyes are or if you seem a bit “twitchy or bitchy”  If you’re like me, then you do your damnedest to make sure people don’t know until you just can’t take it any more. You try to pretend everything is normal and hope they don’t notice how reedy or high your voice sounds, or take note of the panic in your voice.  And you wait for it to pass and you breath because that is all you can do. It will pass.  But only in it’s own time.  Waiting can be hard.

I had a rough night battling with this.

arosttle