I know you are supposed to be careful what you post online because it will be there forever and possibly the whole world can see it. If you wouldn’t say it in a crowd of strangers then you shouldn’t say it online. However, at the moment I feel a little heart sick.  I think that if I were standing in a crowd of strangers that if they would listen I would talk.

It isn’t exactly one thing that is weighing on me. In fact things should be looking good in my life right now. Tonight is the last night at my, to pay the bills, job for a week and the kids have a long weekend. I am up to date on the bills and while I do still have to buy groceries, I should have a little left over to do something fun with the kids while they are out of school.

So why do I feel like crawling under my bed, building a blanket fort, and staying there?  Well, I a sure part of it is the anxiety depression talking. I know that and yet I can’t just make it go away by simply knowing that it is causing problems.

Another part of it is that I got into an argument at work and thoroughly lost my temper. It has been a stressful week. The boss was on vacation, the pharmacy practically imploded, and there has just been one minor crisis after another. Then one of my co-workers decided to confront me because another co-worker told him I got upset because he left an hour early the day before. It was true. I did get upset. Instead of sticking around for his assigned hours, I felt like he pushed the whole mess into my lap and left me to deal with it alone. There was a ton of work to be done and from what I could see he hadn’t even attempted it.

From his point of view, it had been the day from hell and he just wanted out. I do understand that. It has been that kind of week. However, I still do not think it was wise to pull me to the side the next day and attempt to give me a lecture over why I should not have been upset.

People are entitled to feelings. Yes, I was upset. But I continued to do my job, had a good rant while in the office, and then tucked it away because there were more important things to do. By the next day I was over it…until the lecture began. Then it was all new and fresh, no sleep with a side of pissed off.

The fact that he tried to justify himself by bringing up my own faults was just gasoline to the fire. Shaking and teary-eyed I had to turn and walk away before I did something that my boss would have had to fire me for. (The fact that the co-worker in question is over a decade younger than me and over a foot taller didn’t help matters.)

The boss was back the next morning and took care of matters but she had a sudden death in the family so she is off again on bereavement. The death happened around the same time as the argument with my co-worker.

I talk to customers at work, turn on the t.v. at home, or pick up a paper, and all I see is a world gone mad with too many people hurting themselves and others. I hate it. I want to fix it but I don’t know how. All I can do is write about it. I can write out my hurts, that are so insignificant to the larger ones like losing a loved one. I can unburden my heart with words on paper.

It doesn’t really help the world, but it does help me deal with it and keep moving. Maybe if more people could unburden themselves in a similar fashion the world wouldn’t be as tied in knots as it is.


Breathing past the anxiety demon

Happy Monday everybody. I am sitting at my computer this morning watching the sun throw tree shadows against the neighbor’s house as it climbs up out of it’s Eastern bed. My house is quiet because the kids are at school and the cats are asleep.

It should be peaceful. Unfortunately I am doing battle with that inner demon called anxiety today. I’ve been having problems with it since Friday. Standing in the cold in the middle of a crowd on Saturday didn’t help matters, but it was the Christmas Parade and my daughter was walking in it.

Depression keeps wanting to kick me too. Anxiety and Depression kind of go hand in hand for me. I get frustrated with myself for the panic and jittery feelings bubbling up inside and then I get depressed because I want to just ignore it and move on with life. I have things to do. I don’t have time to fall down that winding stairway of panic.

To combat my demons I have Christmas music playing and I plan on digging out decorations for the porch later. I also need to mail out the Christmas Cards for Addie we made yesterday. I try to focus on good things.

As long I as I keep moving forward the battle against my anxiety won’t get too out of hand. It is when I sit down and let it overcome me that things get bad. Funny how the easiest way to beat down my inner demons is just to recognize they are there and then breath past them. It is still a fight, even if it isn’t a bloody one. Writing it out helps too.

Confessions of an Introvert

1483034_561558493939194_2036629757_nThere are some days when I can’t stand to be around people, even ones  I like.  It just feels like everything is too loud.  I have anxiety depression anyway so I don’t do well in large crowds, but sometimes I don’t do well with just two or three people around either.  Especially when I just wake up and everyone tries to talk to me at once.

The words don’t make it through. I just hear voices and noise.  There are times when I just loudwant quiet.  However, I don’t exactly want to be left alone either.  It would be nice to be able to sit quietly with someone every now and again.

books girlI think that is one of the reasons I like books so much.  They aren’t loud but I don’t feel alone either.  I need people.  I need interaction. But I also need my quiet moments.

Anxiety Depression


a : painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usually over an impending or anticipated ill

b : fearful concern or interest

c : a cause of anxiety

: an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one’s capacity to cope with it


Or in my words…You know when you get butterflies in your stomach?  It’s kinda like that. butterfly attackA really really bad case of the butterflies, only super mutant butterflies.  And they don’t stay in your stomach.  No those nasty little buggers move out to your chest, arms, and head too until it feels like you are shaking apart from the inside.

The worst part is that you know that whatever triggered your attack isn’t really that big of a deal.  It may feel like it, but in the end you know that it isn’t as bad.  Not that it matters, you’re trapped inside yourself until the attack passes.

anxiety-cycle300_jpgYou fake being okay because you don’t want to be labeled.  You’re not okay, but only those who know you well will take note of how wide your eyes are or if you seem a bit “twitchy or bitchy”  If you’re like me, then you do your damnedest to make sure people don’t know until you just can’t take it any more. You try to pretend everything is normal and hope they don’t notice how reedy or high your voice sounds, or take note of the panic in your voice.  And you wait for it to pass and you breath because that is all you can do. It will pass.  But only in it’s own time.  Waiting can be hard.

I had a rough night battling with this.