Lost and Found

rain-2538429_1920I’ve not been writing much. Honestly, I’ve not been doing a lot of anything that isn’t strictly necessary. Last week I read a lot and watch Good Omens when it was released to Amazon Prime on Friday. (It was awesome.) Sunday I went to the movies to watch the live action version of Aladdin. It was pretty good.

I’ve paid my bills, I’ve gone to work, I’ve made sure everything or everyone I’m responsible for has been fed…but it has all been just me on autopilot. I suppose I could blame the unseasonably warm temperatures or depression, maybe even a combo of the two. Anyway, I didn’t even notice that I was on autopilot until Friday.

The book Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman has always been one of my gofavorites. I took a course on British Literature in college and as a final project, the teacher had us choose a work by a British author and do a presentation on it. There were the usual picks like Chaucer or Shakespeare that the rest of my classmates went with but I waited after class to ambush speak with the professor in order to convince him to allow me to use Good Omens. (The only rule he had given us was that the author had to be of British origin.)

At first, he was hesitant because he wanted us to do a project on something he was familiar with. However, I had come prepared. I gave him a copy of the book I just happened to have on hand and told him a short synopsis.

Basically, I told him that the book is about the end of the world, they’ve misplaced the ertg3e54grantichrist, and the four horsemen ride motorcycles. (The motorcycle part was the important bit because I knew he rode as well.) Anyway, I got permission and passed the assignment with flying colors.  It was more difficult to pull the project together because there was less to work with.  The people who pick Hamlet or Canterbury Tales had tons of sources to choose from. I had a few pieces of fan art, the book itself, and some author interviews. But it was worth it because I got a chance to share something I loved with the rest of my class. No one else had read it, outside of the professor.

MV5BOTI5Y2M3NmQtNDg5ZC00OTQ0LWEzOGYtMjM4Zjg0YzY0M2I0XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNjkwNzEwMzU@._V1_So this past Friday I realized it was May 31, 2019. It caught me off guard. The date was etched in my mind because I had been waiting over a year for Amazon to bring one of my favorite books to life. I had high hopes because they had cast David Tennent as Crowley and I knew he would be able to pull it off. Yet instead of eagerly counting down the days, the day arrived without me noticing. That was when it hit me how much of a fog I’ve been in.

I sat down that afternoon and watched all six hours of Good Omens. The story unfolded perfectly and I was excited as I waited for each new episode to start. I felt for the characters when bad things happened, I laughed at the jokes, and I enjoyed trying to spot all the Doctor Who references they snuck in.  During those six hours, I shook off my fog and came back to life.

So here I am. Back to me again. I don’t like being lost like that. It’s a scary thing and I’d like to prevent it from reoccurring.

 

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Life right now

Quicksand_9977I haven’t felt much like writing lately. I think my depression has raised its head to torment me because I really haven’t felt much like doing anything. I also haven’t been sleeping well. It just seems that everyone either needs something from me or wants to tell me what to do lately. I just want to hole up in a cabin somewhere away from people. I want to turn my phone off. I don’t want to check social media or talk to anyone on the phone. I don’t even want to text.

When I sleep I have nightmares. When I am awake there is always something I have to do. Reservations for a hotel for Libertycon, change reservations for Libertycon, cancel old reservations (still need to do that), make optometrist appointments for the kids because I am tired of wiring together my son’s glasses with jewelry wire, doctor’s appointments, therapy appointments….the list goes on and on. I just want to be for a little while. I want to just sit here and not worry about work or paying bills or fixing the car or the toilet. I just want to sit still and breathe.

Days like this

I don’t want to write today. I’m tired. I was up at 4 A.M. giving the dog a bath. (Trust me, he needed it.) It is nice outside today temperature wise and there is a steady breeze blowing, even if the overcast sky promises rain.

I think I would rather read and ignored the rest of the world. I had to people yesterday. There were not many, but I still entertained three other adults at my house. (Okay, so one was my mom and another was my brother but they still count.) It was my son’s birthday party so there was decorating and cleaning to be done beforehand and clean up afterward.

I have yet to wake up fully today and it is almost 5 in the afternoon. Maybe I should just go take a nap. I needed to get at least a blog post done, though it was very tempting just to skip this week. You guys came very close to getting ten ways to kill or protect against Vampires, rather than this post of me whining. I’m trying to save that for the book I am working on. (Or at least October so that it can be a sort of Halloween post.)

Anyway, I showed up and put words down on the page. That is the important part. You guys keep doing what you do and I will keep plodding along too. Have a good week.

Allergies

Asthma_Medication_InhalerI am not feeling too well today. It isn’t anything serious, just a savage allergy attack, but it has me keeping my asthma inhaler close and a hot cup of tea closer. My eyes are itchy and it is hard to breathe. Poor Molly, my dog, has had to stay outside in the backyard today because I can’t take the extra allergy irritant.tea book

I’m not sure if I mentioned it before but we recently discovered that I am allergic to my dog. She is a mostly outside dog anyway so it isn’t too much of a problem. I let her in if it looks like rain or if it is too hot outside, of course.  She has plenty of shade and dry places to stay but she really doesn’t like water and her fur is so thick I worry if she stays out too long when it is hot. So despite me being allergic, she can often be found snoring in the floor behind my computer chair as I write. I just have an extra cup of tea and make sure I take my allergy meds. Today is just extra bad. I know it is supposed to rain tomorrow so she will probably be inside most of the day and it is just best to limit my exposure while I can.

Image may contain: dogHopefully, Molly will be well behaved tomorrow because she will be home alone for a few hours. There is a fall festival at a nearby Native American site that we are planning on checking out. The web page says it will be going on rain or shine. Today would have been a better day to go weather wise but tomorrow is better schedule wise for all who are making the trip. I am sure my mom will check in on her too.

 

 

Just Tired

I am tired. I’ve been tired so long I am not sure what not tired feels like. I can tell you what tired feels like though.

Tired feels like words just out of reach so that there are large gaps when you speak as you try to grasp the word you want or simply remember what it is you are trying to say. Tired is feeling like your eyes are always half closed rusted portals too dry to creak open all the way. Tired feels like effort to breathe, effort to think, effort to stand, sit, or sleep.

Tire feels like slogging along in thick mud caked boots so that each step is heavier than the last. Tired feels like wanting to sleep but knowing that sleep doesn’t help and neither does coffee. Tired is a constant. Or maybe that is just what it feels like right now.mammal-3096864__340

Back to School and Bad Days

road-sign-940644_1280I’ve had a couple of unpleasant days in a row.  An inability to sleep at night has caused me to oversleep the past couple of days. Which means I have woken up late and the dog didn’t get to go out to do her business on time. So I have quite literally woken up to shit for two days.

As you can imagine cleaning up such a mess isn’t something I want to do before coffee. However, it is necessary. It isn’t the dog’s fault.

I am not sure if it is this unpleasant chore that sets my mood for the day or the lack of Exhaustedproper sleep but I have definitely been a grouch. Fighting the crowds to get the kids ready for school hasn’t helped. My youngest is in middle school and on the autism spectrum. He is high functioning so when he is having a good day you can hardly tell. But he is always very particular about things

For example, he will only wear khakis and shirts with Sonic the Hedgehog on them to school. It is his self-imposed uniform. Finding Sonic the Hedgehog shirts, until recently, has been an issue all on its own. Finding them in his size is an even greater challenge. Fortunately, he has a grandmother on his dad’s side with an embroidery machine.

doomSchool starts tomorrow. I am as prepared as I can be. I will be up by five in the morning because I know that if I want him to school on time that is when I must begin the day. I had nightmares all last night about being late and losing things.

Today I am trying to relax. There is a Native American thing going on at a local park that I want to go to but I am honestly peopled out. I also don’t have money to spare. School supplies and fees took more than I was expecting and I have to come up with a new way to juggle bills.

Right now I am watching a documentary series called Underworld At War. It is all about crime in Britain during World War II. The second episode was an account of Neville Heath; a conman and killer. It also covered the thoughts and challenges facing a school girl named Daphne, who fought to get an education during the turbulent times and realize her dream of becoming a teacher.

The now-retired Headmistress read excerpts from the diary she

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kept during 1940. She spoke of doing homework during air raids and by oil lamp. She mentioned the time a bomb went off just as her father opened a door and how the blast blew him back onto the stove.

It made me think about how valuable that once school girl’s diary is to history and how it now gives us a more complete picture of the era. Of course, that wasn’t why she kept her journal. She just used it to record her thoughts. She probably never intended to share those thoughts with anyone else.

Today we write blogs and share them with the world. We keep online journals that are accessible to people in countries we will probably never see. It is an immediate transfer of information on daily life.

My ramblings of a couple of bad days don’t hold a candle to watching your father get blown back by an enemy’s explosive device. The information I am sharing isn’t all that useful from my current standpoint. I share it anyway because it allows me to get thoughts and worries out of my own head. I doubt they will even be of any use to future generations, but it does make you pause to think. Daphne didn’t expect her words to hold much value either.

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Ramblings from a writer

william_cullen_bryantToday I sat down to look over a poem I wrote earlier in the week. I have sent it to a few good first readers to get different viewpoints. I have spent way more time on this one poem than I ever planned on, but then I never really planned to write it either. A line just sort of popped into my head one day, so I wrote it down and the rest followed. That’s usually how poetry works for me. Often that is the way stories work too.

I am pretty much one of those people who write by the seat of their pants. I rarely plan anything out. I think it is more fun that way, even if it is a bit chaotic. However, if I am writing non-fiction, then I do plan things more carefully. I have the ability to plot things out, I just don’t usually do it because it seems to make getting the words down harder for me. I tend to daydream quite a bit as well.

The idea that I don’t plot things out drives a few of my writer friends crazy. They always plot. I know others that never do. I mean, there is always a vague idea where the story is going. Usually.

I do have eight pages of a work in progress that just kind of popped in my head like poetry normally does. That one I have no idea where it is going. It probably won’t turn out to be anything good enough to share with the rest of the world, but it is fun to write so I am keeping up with it as sort of a writing exercise.

Anyway, my rambling point is that I have spent a lot of time working on a poem. I like this one and I want to get it right but it isn’t quite there yet. I am not sure where “there” is but I am working hard on finding it.