Today has been a long day. This morning I went to the viewing of a dear mentor and friend. She passed away on Wednesday and I don’t think I have slept well since. I don’t really understand why I have been having trouble sleeping. I haven’t been racked with grief or guilt or anything. I just haven’t been able to turn my brain off. I’ve been having some trouble keeping up with school too. I am just so tired.
I have been thinking a lot about my friend these past few days. She was my teacher, then my friend. I learned so much; more than I realized. I have been reminiscing and sharing antidotes to other friends and family ever since I learn of her death. Some of them made me laugh others made me cry harder because such a wonderful person was no longer on this Earth.
I didn’t stay long at the viewing and I didn’t attend the funeral afterwards, even though we drove over an hour to do just that. They buried her in her uniform from her time as a volunteer and I can’t imagine anything more perfect. After I paid my respects to her family and saw her laying there I suddenly just wanted to go. I felt sad but at peace.
The funeral home was a crowded place too. She had touched a lot of lives and was a personality not soon forgotten. I felt like getting out of the way so others could have their turn to say goodbye.
Now I have to encourage my tired to brain to concentrate long enough to write a paper for one of my classes and then I can try to go to bed. Right now I feel like I could sleep for days. I hope my brain doesn’t decided to go into over drive again after I lay down.
I’ve been stressed. I woke up this morning knowing I have to go to work, I have to pay the electric bill, I have to get the kids up, feed them, and make them do their school work. I have to write the other four or five pages of an essay that is due by midnight and I have to learn enough about the Philippine War in order to write a paper about it as well. That one may also be due today. I honestly can’t remember. I am so far behind in my other two classes that I am afraid to look at the due dates.
So my life has been one massive “I have to”. I woke up this morning and realised I can’t remember the last time I read a book for enjoyment. For me, that is like waking up not remembering when I breathed last. Before school started I would read several books a week.
As I lay in bed watching the ceiling fan, I did a playback of this week. It has been extra crummy. I was late to work yesterday. Wednesday a customer got me mad enough that I walked around the grocery store for awhile before coming home. (I had to do grocery shopping anyway.) The list goes on, but this moment of introspection made me realise something. I haven’t had many moments of introspection lately either and that is something I need.
I need to decompress. I need a few moments of silence away from computers and textbooks. Watching a thirty-minute tv show or going to local county fair may be fun, but they aren’t what I am needing. I think I am taking time out doing those things but really I am just providing more for my over-stimulated brain to take in.
What I really need is a few moments with a cup of tea on the front porch watching the leaves change. I need a hot bath to soak in and to just be. I need a walk in the woods. I need to let my brain download and file away all the things that are daily crammed into it.
If I take that time everything else usually falls into place a lot easier.
This is the third time I have sat down to write this morning’s post. For some reason it is more difficult that usual. Words are hard. They don’t want to pour from my fingertips right now. Instead I have to siphon each and every one and my fingers on the keyboard feel large and awkward.
I am still writing. It has taken me three tries, but I am covering the glaring white page. The progress is slow but each word is another small step forward.
Sometimes writing is like that. Sometimes it flows and sometimes it only trickles. It is still important to show up at the keyboard and pound those words out, even when it is almost painful to do so. If I give up just because it is hard, then I don’t deserve the days when it comes easy.
The muse is lazy. She doesn’t always show up. Sometimes you just have to write without her.
Good morning all and special shout out to the new friends I made this morning while the registers were down. (*Waves* Hi Samantha!) It took me a little longer to leave the store, but it all worked out in the end. Sometimes things that should be irritations work to our benefit. It’s not always easy to see it that way but I am happy when I can.
In case you are wondering why I was out and about before the sun, I took the kids out for pancakes before the rest of the world became too crowded. I am doing much better. I’ve had a few anxiety attacks since my last post but no more panic attacks.
I have taken the precautions of avoid large crowds when I can and I’ve cut out most caffeine for now. For frequent readers of my blog, you know of my love of tea and coffee so this has been difficult. I bought decaf but I just can’t bring myself to drink it. Silly, I know.
I haven’t managed a lot of writing over the last few days. I tire a lot easier right now than I normally do. Most of my concentration has been spent on feeling better and household tasks. However, I plan on spending a lot of time catching up on writing today. I have several books that really need to be finished. I guess I better get to it.
To Whom it may concern:
There will not be a post today. The author of this blog was just diagnosed with the flu. She has cocooned herself in blankets and plans to stay there until she feels better or crosses over, whichever happens first. Well wishes are appreciated. She will return at a later date for a proper blog post. Unless she dies. Then she will be a ghost writer…
Yeah, I’m feeling like death warmed over guys. I’ll post again when I’m not.
A Monday Lament from a Night Walker
My back aches
My shoulder hurts
I want to go back to bed
My bones creak
My brain’s still asleep
I hurt to much to be dead
My coffee is faulty
My movements are halting
Monday has come around
I worked the weekend
And work tomorrow too
Yet I am still Monday down
Monday’s have their pull
On the working world
It doesn’t matter when they come
At the beginning of the week,
In the middle, At the end,
Even after the setting sun.
Yesterday on Facebook, I saw that a friend posted about the death of Sir Terry Pratchett. I was on my phone waiting in line for school to let out so I didn’t investigate. I simply posted a question back and then made a mental note to look it up later, because surely it was some kind of mistake.
There are websites out there who go around posting fake celebrity deaths, so I thought she must have fallen for one of those. We just lost Leonard Nimoy, surely Death wouldn’t take Sir Terry from us on the heels of losing Spock. It turns out I was wrong.
This morning I found that mental note, among the rest of the detritus in my head, and investigated. We did indeed lose Sir Terry Pratchett and another piece of my heart has traveled to the other side with him.
I never met Sir Terry, but I read his books. I loved them. I still do.
If someone came to me with a magic pen and said: “This will let you write in your own voice but with the genius of another writer, but you can only pick one…” I wouldn’t have used the pen because there is always a catch with those things; but if I had been foolish enough to give it a go, Sir Terry would have been the writer I picked. His talent is something I will always look up to.
Another one of my heroes has passed and left me with only memories. Funny how that works. Robin Williams, Leonard Nimoy, Sir Terry Pratchett…I never met any of them but some how my world has been brighter with an extra dose of hope and magic in it because they lived.