I am sitting trembling under a table right now. I just had my first major panic attack in seven years. I’ve had anxiety attacks by the dozens but actual panic attacks are rare.

I’ve calmed down a good deal or I wouldn’t be able to write this. My hands are still shaking so it is hard to press the right letters on my phone. I have turned off the lights and that seems to have helped. I’ve also sung the alphabet song in my head a dozen times or more. I went with twinkle twinkle Little Star too.

It sounds silly I know. But right now I feel like high impact glass that has been shattered. I am still in one piece but I have hundreds of cracks running through me and one more blow will sent it all crashing to the ground. A large broken pile of sharp cutting edges.

Anxiety attacks and Panic attacks are terrifying. Your own body has turned against you. You feel like you should run but you can’t even if you wanted to because you can’t breath. I can’t even talk to anyone right now without crying and spiraling back down into another attack.

Instead I am sitting in the dark, typing out a blog post, hoping that writing it out will help. My logical mind is still functional. I just can get control of everything else.

For those who may think I am being silly or stupid, then maybe you should try it and see how it feels. Being strong isn’t as easy as it looks.


5 thoughts on “Panic

  1. Gee, I’m so sorry that you got attacked liked that–but also pretty amazing that you could start typing under a table! I think it was super smart of you to communicate wth the outside world very quickly. I’ve been in ER with them, had them in the middle of the night, at restaurants, on a bike, in a movie theater
    where the usher had to help me crawl up the isle and out of the theater. Let me share one insight that might help you– even though it feels like your body has turned against you, can you think of it more like your body is telling you that something is out of balance? Like maybe some ‘stressor’ is present and has been simmering for awhile? I just had a big depressive episode in the last 48 hours and I’m trying to talk myself down and move on without having a PA on top of it. I will soon have a –hoping to explore anxiety and creative thinking– what you decided to do ( in my opinion) was a creative solution. You proved to your brain that you are not totally helpless.

    Much Empathy,

    1. Thank you so much. It has been a difficult week. I had an anxiety attack last night but it didn’t last anywhere as long as the panic attack. I just have to get through one more night of work and then I will have time (I hope) to let all of the cracked pieces fuse back together.

  2. Sending gentle, peaceful thoughts your way.

    I’ve never had one as strong as the one you’ve described, but I have had anxiety attacks hit me, at work of all places. I know the feeling of “I’vegototgetoutofhererightNOWLEMMEOUTLEMMEOUTKLEMMEOUT!” and having to maintain as if nothing’s wrong because I can’t afford to lose this job.

    Having to always be the strong one sucks ditch water.

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