Goodbye, Hello

This is the last day of Libertycon 29. As I sit here with the rolling wave of voices rising and falling around me, I am already longing for next year. My life has gone through some changes recently and the comfort of this convention has wrapped around me like a familiar blanket fresh from the dryer.

It may seem odd to feel so at home in this sea of people, especially since crowds are something I try to avoid. However, these aren’t just people. They are my people. My clan. My tribe. Family separated by time, distance, and blood but not in spirit.

I don’t even know a great many of the people here. Yet I am at peace because all around me are readers, writers, and artists. Here my quirks are understood and sometimes even applauded.

It has been a much needed reprieve. Tomorrow I start a new job. In August I start back to school. With all the new beginnings and the uncertain footing seeing friends and those who feel like family before embarking on these journeys gives me the support and the courage to keep taking steps forward.

2D View in a 3D World Part 2

I left off last time with the surprize of my coworkers at the fact that I know a little Japanese. That really is just an example. I know just as much about them as they do about me, for the most part.

The people who sit on either side of me seem more real than the ones further down the row. I don’t get to interact with the others so they seem more flat. Then again the girl that sits directly behind me and I have chatted a few times and she is no more fleshed out to me than some of the others.

I write. I create characters with words and turn twenty six letters into people who could walk down the street or share a cup of coffee with you. At least that is the aim. Sometimes I fall short of that goal. As a writer I try to make my characters seem real. What does it mean that sometimes real people seem to be flat too?

Yes, I know everyone has a story. Usually, I try to discover those stories. Lately I have found myself not even bothering. I guess I may be peopled out. I have met a great amount of new faces in the last month.

I don’t think this is where I was originally going with this post but I seem to have somewhat lost the thread after my time limit explosion. I also have an annoying throbbing headache sitting above my left eyebrow that pain relievers and hydration don’t want to touch.

There is a story I have been trying to work on for months. It is just a simple short story I am writing for a friend. However, I can’t seem to finish it. I know how it should go and everything. It is all pretty much planned out. I just can’t seem to write the thing.

At first I thought it was because the main character was too flat. I thought maybe she hadn’t been molded properly, though she seems like a real person to me. Then I thought maybe that was the problem. I thought maybe she was too real life without those interesting bits you get with made up characters, but really that isn’t the case either. Maybe I need to just try it from a different angle.

Maybe that is what I need to do with the flat people at work too.

2D views in a 3D world…part 1

I will have to make this quick since my son will be taking over my computer in about twelve minutes. So imagine I am writing this with one of those MacGyver style bombs ticking down to world destruction. Also this may not be as free of errors as I would like because this is going out straight off the cuff.

Anyway, the point of this post is that I had an interesting thought while waiting for my coffee to drip into the cup. I blame my current school classes and my new job for this one. I even left my coffee on the counter, but the ticking clock says I don’t have enough time to go get it.

Why do we always see people as two dimensional? I mean you can talk to someone everyday and many people will just see that person they say hi to at work. You might know their name. You might know if they have kids or if they are new to the job, but really that just colors in the outline a little.

Yesterday at work I had a gentleman call needing my assistance in a repair. He was well spoken but admitted English wasn’t his first language so that there may be some difficulty. I asked what his first language was and he answered Japanese.

I speak a little Japanese. I wouldn’t say I know it well enough to properly communicate but if I were magically transported to Tokyo right now; I know enough to find the bathroom, order food, find the American Embassy (wouldn’t that be interesting to explain), or ask directions.

I was able to greet the gentleman in Japanese and explain (also in Japanese) that I could understand a little. The call ended with us both saying goodbye and thank you in his native tongue and me grinning like an idiot.

Japanese is something I try to learn on my own as fun. (I do have Rosetta Stone) It is rare that I get to actually use it. It made me feel great to be able make it a useful skill. I had to tell someone, so I turned to my coworkers and told them I just got to speak to someone in Japanese.

I am the new chick. They don’t know much about me yet, but they were all shocked. I don’t know why though…..

Crap, time has expired and the bomb has blown. Time to take care of collateral damage. (It’s blonde, four feet tall and glaring at me) 2D views in a 3D world.

No Brakes?

Sometimes life moves so fast it feels as if you are going down hill on a runaway train. I keep thinking things are going to mellow out. My kids started back to school last week. I am still waiting for the newness to turn into routine. I need it to soon because next week I start back to school for the first time in years.

How am I supposed to toss another ball into the air when I am not certain that I can juggle what I have? Ready or not, my time in training at work will be over Thursday and I get to see if I can fend for myself in the wild…er I mean call center. (The wild would probably be easier.)

My new job will depend on what team I am picked for. Some people already know which teams they will be on. I don’t yet.  It kind of feels like I am back in middle school; the short, glasses wearing asthmatic everyone picked last.

I still feel like I am faking my way through knowing what I am doing. I do my best and make my best guesses but I’ve had a few moments where I’ve been pulled aside and had my mistakes pointed out. It isn’t malicious. I am glad they let me know. How else am I to learn?

It’s just that I have spent a long time more or less knowing how to do my job. This however, is all new and there is so much to absorb. Going in I did not realize it was going to be such an information dump. I worry that I am not up to the challenge.

So recap: The kids are back in school. New  work responsibilities start Thursday. ( I can’t even prepare because I don’t know what they will be.) Monday my classes start. The following Monday my schedule work changes.

If I can’t manage to juggle all of these responsibility balls, then I may run away and join the circus. Surely physical objects would be easier.

To write a book…

When I was in school I hated American History. I thought it was boring. I thought that since other countries had been around so much longer, they were obviously much more interesting.

Now that I am older, I am no longer so excluding. For the past few weeks I’ve been focused on the American Civil War. My attention was peaked last year when I did some family history research. It was more recently that I received a book of local ghost stories that pinged that interest again.

Then I spoke with another writer who I greatly admire. I told him that I had been thinking about writing a book that takes place during the civil war. I recounted what I had found out about my family, and he said: That sounds like a good place to start. Why don’t you?

That “Why don’t you?” Has been echoing around the empty cavern of my skull for weeks.

I tried to use the excuse, “Well, life has so many changes going on right now, with the new job and going back to school…”

My inner writer answered with, “You don’t work on the weekends and part of your degree is going to be in History anyway.”

Then the dragon of self doubt raised its head and said, “Do you really think you can find the time to write a book? Look how well that has worked in the past. You have three unfinished novels sitting on your computer right now. And remember that rejection letter. The one that hit the mark so well.”

The dragon almost got me. Then I remembered the rejection letter it was reminding me of was the catalyst I needed to pull up my boots and march back to school. The three unfinished novels reminded me that my current way of writing isn’t working very well and I need to try something new. (Not that those three will never be finished. Two are honestly in a rewrite stage but I changed things and got stuck in the muddle in the middle. Then proceeded to wallow in the muck.)

So now, with so many things already on my plate and with so many new challenges to face, I find myself stacking yet another task on top. I’m going to write a book. 

The Only Constant Is Change

The only constant is change. I am sure that is a quote from someone much smarter than I am. I cannot recall who it may have been. It is a truth that my life feels like it is trying to prove these last couple of months though.

I lost the best boss I’ve ever had, but was able to reposition her into a ‘awesome friend‘ slot. So she isn’t gone from my life, just from that one spot. I left the job I have spent nearly 7 years of my life at. The place that ate up half of my nights every year. I left behind good friends and routine. I even stopped writing for a period of time.

I had a moment of evaluation and came to the conclusion that things were not as they should be and that I was not happy. Then I came up with a plan to fix that. It sounds easy but it was not. It was terrifying. It was a doubt filled tangle of What if’s. It was a massive black hole of: But how do/will I…

Then I took a step. And then another step. I am still scooting along, one step at a time. The ground still feels unstable beneath my feet but that hasn’t stopped me yet. The changes are probably not all over yet either. I am in transitional limbo. In September or October things should feel more solid.

I have a new job now. I am still in training and have five more weeks of it to go. I love it so far. My kids are signed up for a new school. I signed up to go back to school and my classes start mid August.  I no longer work nights. I no longer have to drag stacks of totes larger than I am. I started writing again.

I have no doubt that my writing will be the slowest thing to advance simply because of all the other obligations. Not because it isn’t important, but because it is. I have to learn patience with my writing.

I get in a hurry and I often don’t do the best job I can. I want the story told. However, I also need to tell the story right. I need to let go of the rush, rush, get-it-done and just tell the story. It’s like turning the oven up as high as it can go. Yeah, it will cook the pizza but it probably won’t be very tasty. I want to make tasty pizzas…er stories. (I am writing this too close to dinner time.)

Anyway, the point is I am taking more time with my writing and therefore I will hopefully be churning out a better quality of fiction. As a result of this and my other obligations I may not be updating my blog as often. My normal routine has been to post once a week on Mondays. From now on it may be once a month or once every two weeks. I am not sure yet.  I will try it until I decide that the schedule doesn’t work, and then change it again. Or life will change it for me.

Changes come to Camelot

Hello everyone. I’ve been slacking a bit lately when it comes to blog posts. The truth is life
has been full of changes recently, which has left my mind foggy. It is hard to pick one thing to write about when there is so much going on and it is even harder when you are smack dab in the middle of all the changes that are happening.

Change is one of the constants in life. Things always change. Today is a big day for change too. Today I say good bye to the best boss I’ve ever had the pleasure of working for. She is off to greener pastures (and hopefully better pay).

It isn’t good bye forever of course. It is just the boss/employee part of our life journey has come to an end. Now, I hope we will stay connected as friends.

There will be more at a later date of the other changes going on in my life, but for the moment I will leave you with a poem that pretty much sums up how I am feeling.

Camelot Falls

By Tammi A. Miller

Camelot has fallen

Mordred is at the gate

The table is now splintered

And our lives left up to fate

Our Royal leader must depart

To travel Avalon’s golden shores

We are knights without direction,

Boats who have come unmoored

We will not long stay adrift

Using knowledge our leader taught

Yet a bit of worldly good is gone

Such a truth can not be fought

Our banner has been trampled

The staff broken by unnamed foes

The colors stained and tarnished

Our morale crushed by heavy blows

We still have our beaten armor

And with it, weapons sharp

We can battle by strength and mind

Though what we lack is heart

We are without a sovereign true

Without a mentor to guide the path

We must choose all on our own

How to miss mistake’s quick lash

Camelot has fallen

Mordred is at the gate

The table is now splintered

And our lives left up to fate.

Snake tale

Yesterday my parents were sitting in thier front yard enjoying the cooling evening. My mom saw movement out of the corner of her eye and turned to see their large black and white cat attacking something behind her car. She pointed it out to my dad, thinking the cat had found a beetle or something.

They watched for a moment as the cat swatted at whatever it was then leaped back before going on the offensive again. His retreat was out of proportion for a battle with something small like a bug and made my parents suspect he was fighting something bigger. Taking a shovel with him, my dad walked around the end of the car just as a snake struck at the cat.

The cat avoid the attack and my dad brought the sharp end of the shovel down hard on the back of the snake’s head, severing it from the body. ( It was a poisonous copper head or he wouldn’t have killed it.) The he scooped the still wriggling snake pieces up with the shovel and carried them off to the edge of the woods, knowing a hawk or crow would eventually find them and enjoy the snack.

Remember to watch you step if you are outside or in your garage. Many snakes like shady spots as much as they like warm places.

Just another Monday

I met this Monday morning slowly and with heavy eyes. I was awake before the sun but refused to get out of bed, hoping for a few last minutes of sleep that never came. I don’t really dread Mondays. It is just that there is so much to do on them. It seems like all of the things I was unable to accomplish from Friday just swell until the wave of errands breaks over me on Monday.

I’ve accomplished three tasks already, four if you count taking a shower. (I am not above padding the number of my accomplishments where I can. Especially if it helps me get motivated.) I fetched paperwork I need to fax off, found and acquired coffee, then took the trash down to the curb because it is collection day. All mundane tasks that have nothing to do with writing.

As far as writing goes, I’ve not done much. I checked my email and discovered another rejection slip. After that I showed up here to write a blog post. I really didn’t feel like writing this morning, but it is Monday so here I am.

I showed up. It isn’t much but they say 75% of writing is showing up to the computer even when you don’t want to. (I made that number up. There is a percent that is routinely quoted but I don’t remember what it is right now. 75% sounds about right to me.)

I have a long list of tasks that need to be accomplished today. I will be very surprised if I
get to them all. Many of them are boring things that take me out of the house and out among people I don’t want to talk to. However, if I am good and get at least half of my list done then I will reward myself by reading a book.

My daughter and I went to the Georgia Renaissance festival yesterday and I am longing to read a good fantasy novel. I am still tired, a little sore, and a little sunburned but it was worth it. We had a great time. Maybe I will write a fantasy story too.

I am not Mary Poppins

I’ve been rather down lately, in both body and spirit. As one heals I try to focus on raising up the other too. Not feeling well in body can dampen low spirits evern further.

It has been really hard to think and focus. Like my brain is so busy trying to steady the spinning world that it doesn’t have room for things like words or holding on to thoughts. I find this incredibly frustrating.

Then a couple of days ago I decided to check my email. My writing ego, which was already beginning to look like a flap jack, took another hit. I got a rejection letter. That isn’t unusual. I get them all the time. However, this letter left about a paragraph of actual honest usable feedback.

Normally I would be really happy about that. Feed back is a good thing. Non-form letters are good things. The problem was that I liked the story I wrote quite a bit. There is nothing wrong with that either, except I came away with the feeling of being exceptionally clever and I let that writing high go straight to my ego.

The story was average but shows promise. I just have yet to develop that promise. You see I learned a few things writing that story and, like a kid who just learned to tie her shoes, I felt like I had mastered the secrets of the universe. Then when these other kids come by and point out that my shoes have come untied, I am humbled and embarrassed. It is hard to swallow that my tying skills/ writting skills are still lacking more practice.

Humble pie, like many things that are good for us, doesn’t taste that great. I am not Mary Poppins. I am not “practically perfect in every way”, though sometimes I think I am. My umbrella doesn’t talk or fly. However, with practice, maybe it will keep off the rain.